Have you ever wondered what it means to hear yet not listen? Isn't it ironic, that in our busy daily life we hear endless things from countless sources, yet we still fail to listen to what matters most? 

The ability to actively listen, instead of passively hearing spoken words, is vital in building important relationships with others. Whether we are interacting with colleagues, bosses or with family and friends, the ability to listen can make or break the relationships we have with the people who matter to us. As suggested by actor and producer, Daniel Dae Kim, “There is as much wisdom in listening as there is in speaking, and that goes for all relationships.”

Here are three tips on active listening to help us build relationships that count in our lives. 

# Tip 1 - Value people

Listening begins with the belief that everyone has value. When you value people, you want to sincerely listen to them. Listening helps build trust and respect with the person you are talking to. This encourages this person to feel comfortable and be open to share personal or difficult issues that matter to them. Author and social media influencer Bryant H. Mcgill mentions,

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” 

# Tip 2 - Make time for people. 

When you value people, you will make time to listen to them. Similarly, this allows the person to feel valued which then builds trust and respect. This is the glue that binds all relationships and builds stronger teams at the workplace, in families and in all friendships.

# Tip 3 - Talk with people not above them.

When you have a loving heart that cares and values people, you will talk and truly listen. You will strive to understand and empathize with the issues they face, instead of bossing them around. A helpful tip to talk and actively listen is to use reflective statements to reflect on the thoughts, feelings and/or actions of the person you are talking to. Another tip is to observe and identify the other person's feelings in his/her tone of voice, word emphasis or facial expressions. 

I practice these three tips to improve my relationships with the people within my circle of influence at work, at home and the community. I once had the opportunity to counsel and coach a working mother. Her daughter was not performing well in school. This working mother’s work required her to work beyond office hours and often on weekends too. Hence, she hardly had time left for her daughter. Trying to provide a solution, she enrolled her daughter into various tuition classes. However, not only did her daughter not improve in studies, she also felt overwhelmed, stressed out and refused to go to school. During our counselling and coaching sessions, I guided the mother to reflect on how she had failed to actively listen to her daughter or picked up on her signs of stress, especially since she was often working. I shared with her the three tips for active listening to improve her parenting skills. Subsequently, she took her daughter off tuition classes and took time off work to spend more time with her. She also started to listen more to her daughter which not only improved their relationship but also her daughter’s performance in school.

I hope that this story resonates with working mothers out there who may be facing similar issues. As for me, a busy working mother with a daughter, I have learned the invaluable lesson to actively listen and look out for my daughter’s signs of stress, instead of nagging at her to study. And yes, I will definitely take her off the tuition classes and spend more time together de-stressing with our shared hobby of ‘fan-girling’ k-pop idols and dancing to k-pop music! Learn and practice on improving your Listening and Reflecting skills from Session 5 of the micro-learning course (MLC) Counselling on the Go.